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Two fears

As I slog the path of creating a new business offering, I am often assailed by imposter syndrome. Case in point: at times recently while chatting with someone I have found myself silently willing them not to ask about what I’m working on because I feel uncertain about how to pitch it. I'm afraid it might not work, make sense or perhaps it’s snake oil and I don’t realize it. 

Perhaps after this much time in the interim chapter between stable work and not acquaintances and friends are embarrassed for me. Do they ever think, “Come on already Chris! What are you doing?!” I wonder if they contemplate this because I sure do. 

There is also the reality that despite many moments over the past year where I have worked diligently on uncovering the path before me that plenty of shiny objects have given way to unhelpful time-sucking distractions. There are also many moments when I simply placed my head in the sand pretending everything is ok. Can I really do this? And why oh why do I persist? 

The other day I saw a friend who like me is at a crossroads of blazing the path she wants to or doing what feels safer and more assured. She talked about wanting the stability and peace of mind a full-time job offers but added most she has come across felt like required a compromise: a job where her work would be constrained or stifled in exchange for income. The challenge felt like finding work that mattered that would not get snuffed out by bureaucracy or fear. Despite the financial, social and emotional uncertainty I often feel, her stated fears about giving up on what matters are what I often worry about even more. 

In recent weeks I have begun pushing myself to work in a more focused and clear manner because while I find myself at times working against a financial and emotionally exhausting clock, giving up on the path still just doesn't feel like an option.

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